Vacation Page 11

  “Humans learn the best through storytelling and it’s always been that way,” she says. “Yet, you’re correct. The education industry doesn’t utilize this fact. Nevertheless, they must know it. Perhaps the industry, then, isn’t concerned with the student’s ability to learn. Only that the student’s kept from thinking the wrong thoughts. What better way to accomplish this than to continuously inundate the student’s mind with information to be memorized?”

  “What do you mean by wrong thoughts?”

  “Tic social systems exploit people everyday, and get away with it because the public allows the abuse. A thought which questions a system is dangerous to the system.”

  Here’s another dead end.

  I have a feeling this whole conversation is just an attempt on both our parts to prolong the inevitable.

  But it’s time to say goodbye.

  “You may not know this,” Noh says. “But the Garden spends most of its time fighting and hiding from other Meek. The Tics exhaust very few of their resources on bringing us down. I used to believe that this is so because they don’t consider us much of a threat. Lately, however, I’ve been considering the notion that perhaps they don’t attempt to hunt us down with greater ferocity, because they feel guilty. Perhaps they don’t want to destroy the group with the power to reveal their secrets to world. Perhaps they want to be punished for their crimes against humanity.”

  “Maybe so.”

  She slides her notebook and pencil into her pocket. “Do you think this idea could be classified as optimism?”

  “I think so.”

  “Good.”

  Part 18

  I’m wandering outside of the hospital, and I don’t have the backpack or tubes with me anymore because Noh made me drop them off a few miles back, and there are dozens of automated guns pointed at me, and I have a feeling they’d shoot if I wasn’t wearing this hospital bracelet.

  A guard grabs me by the arm, and takes me back inside. He tells the people at the front desk that he spotted me sneaking out of the hospital only moments ago, so he’s bringing me back to my room. This is a lie, of course, so he must be Garden.

  I sit on my bed and say, “You’ll contact Jack, won’t you? I’m ready to go.”

  He stares at me, then walks away.

  Hours later, Jack nudges my shoulder until I open my eyes.

  “Welcome back to the land of the living,” he says. “The doctor says your fever’s finally busted, so you can leave today. You’ll be back with Tour Group Three in no time. And boy howdy, some of them will be happy to see you. By some of them, I mean Krow. She’s asked about you everyday.”

  “That’s nice,” I say, and sit up. “Noh told me what happened to you in the forest. I’m sorry.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “The nightmare forest. Noh said you traveled it alone.”

  “Who’s Noh?”

  It’s worse than I expected.

  “Why would you do this?” I say. “Is this another one of Noh’s tests?”

  “Honestly, Bernard, I don’t know anyone named Noh.”

  “This is ridiculous.”

  He puts a hand on my shoulder. “You had a high fever. This Noh person may have been a hallucination.”

  I flip off my covers and lift my shirt. “You see these, don’t you? I was tortured.”

  “Those are from surgery, Bernard.”

  “What kind of surgery would require cuts like this!”

  “The one you had.” He takes a step back. “I’ll give you some time to clear your head.”

  “Fuck you, Jack.”

  He shakes his head, the way you did, mom and dad, when you were disappointed, but not surprised to find yourself disappointed. And he leaves.

  I know I should feel confused, but right now, I’m just mad.

  With the first glimpse of her, all the old feelings surge back.

  Krow hugs me. “I wanted to visit you, but they wouldn’t let me.”

  “It’s okay,” I say, and hug her back tighter. “It’s good to see you again.”

  We release each other, and stand in the middle of the hotel lobby, people swarming around us.

  “You smell different,” she says.

  “I do?”

  “Not bad. You smell healthier.”

  I think of the detox Odin performed on me. And I think of the surgery Jack talked about. “So,” I say. “What’ve you been up to?”

  “Oh, you didn’t miss anything. It was all very boring.”

  I laugh. “Glad to hear it.”

  Damn it, she’s so funny and interesting and beautiful. I know initially, I was attracted to her because of the courage I remembered in Marvin, and I wanted to be Marvin.

  But it’s more than that now.

  Here I am, a few inches away from her, and I feel more indecisive than I’ve ever felt. Despite the fact that most of my days in America were spent making choices. Soup or salad? Smoking or non-smoking? Caf or decaf? Guilty or innocent? God or science? Right or wrong? Good or evil? Do you want fries with that? Do you want a receipt? Will you marry me? Do you still love me? Can I find better?

  I made a lot of choices in life, and I felt damn powerful. I felt in control.

  But in this life of choices, none of them really affect the systems that govern our lives. In this life of choices, you don’t choose how to live it. Because the way of life is The Way of Life.

  Supposedly, being with Krow is not a choice I can make.

  Because I already have a girlfriend.

  Because Krow used to be my student.

  Because she used to be a he.

  Because that’s gross.

  Because a rose by any other name still smells as sweet, but less people would smell them if they were called freak flowers.

  Because this is the world we live in.

  Because if I didn’t tell people the truth about her, she’d hate me.

  Because if I did tell people the truth about her, I’d hate myself.

  That’s how I’m supposed to think.

  I’m not supposed to have a say in the matter.

  But.

  My bird spirit wants to fly.

  So I kiss her.

  And yeah, I’ve shocked myself, the way love shocks you.

  You expect to feel happy, but not this happy.

  A second later, Krow pulls her head back, and says, “Mr. Johnson, Bernard, I…I’m flattered. But the thing is, I like women.”

  And I shouldn’t be surprised.

  This isn’t some bad made-for-TV movie, where the girl is a prize the guy gets for becoming a better man.

  She doesn’t have to like me, just because I like myself so much more.

  Here’s a truth that can only be cried out, but right now I’m just so fucking proud of myself, I don’t even notice the tears.

  My hand reaches for the pad and paper on my hotel nightstand. It writes.

  “Hello Bernard,” the words say.

  “Aubrey?” I think. But I say, “Noh?”

  “I’m afraid not,” says the paper. “It’s Blackbeard.”

  “What are you doing with the device?”

  “Noh gave it to me. She no longer needs it.”

  “If that were true, she’d give the device to Weis. So he could talk to his daughter whenever he wants.”

  “That’s a nice idea, but if she gave it to Weis, he’d start living in his dreams, and stop serving his country. She gave it to me because she thought I’d use it to serve others, and that’s what I’m going to do. That’s why I’m here.” The pencil pauses, as if gathering its thoughts. “Noh’s going to be executed.”

  “What?”

  “A week from today. I don’t want to see it happen, and I have a feeling you might be able to save her.”

  “Why me?”

  “Because of the way she talked about you when she was here delivering the device. But maybe you don’t care whether she lives or dies. I don’t know. Like I said before, I often times act on
instinct alone, and my instincts aren’t always right.”

  Yeah, but sometimes they are. “I don’t know what you expect me to do.”

  “I don’t know either, honestly. First you need to escape from the resource bubbles of the Vacation system and return to the Garden. That can’t be easy. How did you manage it the first time?”

  “I didn’t. I was taken out.”

  “By whom?”

  “My Tour Guide. Jack. But I don’t think he’ll help me. Ever since I came back, he’s been denying the truth about everything.”

  “I’m sorry. I don’t know enough about Garden procedure to make any sense of that. But if you do get out, I’ll do anything I can to help you on your way. Well.” The pencil jiggles back and forth, maybe in laughter. “Good luck. Here’s hoping you can talk her out of it.”

  “What do you mean, talk her—”

  But the pencil falls over, lifeless once again.

  And I’m asleep.

  Jack chews at a serving of vegetables for breakfast, and no normal person eats just vegetables for breakfast. He’s not fooling me for a second.

  I join him at his table, and say, “You’ve probably been informed of this already, but Noh’s going to be executed. Blackbeard seems to think that I can save her, so I’m going to try.”

  Jack drops his fork. “Why would you want to save that bitch?”

  “She’s not a bitch. She’s a good person.”

  He laughs. “Krow rejects you, and now you’re so desperate, you’re going after some crazy fucked-up cunt?”

  “Shut up!”

  “Noh deserves to fry!”

  I stand and shove him hard.

  He falls back in his chair, but in a blink or two, he’s back on his feet. “Alright, Bernard. If this is really what you want, I’ll help you.”

  “It is.”

  Hours later, I find myself parked at the front of a fucking mental hospital. “What is this?”

  “It’s for your own good,” Jack says, opening his door. “Let’s go.”

  “No.”

  “Listen, Bernard. You attacked me. There are witnesses. And under the rules of Vacation, I have certain rights over your civil liberties. I can force you to stay here, but I’d rather you signed in voluntarily. You don’t belong in my Tour Group. We both know that.” He looks me in the eyes. “You’re going to have to trust me.”

  And what he really means is, what I hope he means is, I have to trust myself.

  I have to trust that he’s a Gardener like me, and that everything that’s happened since my hospitalization is real.

  By kissing Krow, I kissed my weakness goodbye. Now I’m ready to be courageous and selfish enough to change my life, and find my happiness.

  So I sign myself in.

  Part 19

  Ordinary people own ordinary things. I have ordinary things. Though mine are covered and caged and bolted down, so that I can’t smash them or slice myself or eat glass.

  Here are the pills that will keep me tame. Thousands of years of human devolution in a bite sized package. Artificial weaponry.

  The people outside these walls, they’re beings of the future. They work for the future and plan for the future and ruin the future. But the people inside these walls are beings of the past. Their futures are stripped away. And what is insanity other than the mind’s defense mechanism to the past? There’s nothing abnormal about the self-proclaimed cannibal in the next room who deals with his life by eating invisible leprechauns. We all deal. We’re all crazy. The mind shapes reality when it doesn’t like the shape reality’s in.

  The people inside these walls are society’s failures. And since human beings have an uncanny ability to deny and forget, we don’t want anyone reminding us of our mistakes. Therefore, the insane, the criminals, anyone whose reality contradicts the delusions of society as a whole are packaged in a box that reads: Forget these sick fuckers. We’re dealing with them.

  In not so many words, this is what Aubrey tells me in my dream.

  My first dream dream in a long while.

  Piss Holes and Shit Holes.

  Today, there’s an eye and a toe gazing and wiggling at me from opposite walls.

  “You’d be wise to stay here,” the Toe says. His voice is soft, but I can tell he’s yelling. He has to, because the toe blocks most of the noise. “It’s a dangerous world out there.”

  “Dangerous?” the Eye says. “We can only die once.”

  “What does that have to do with anything?”

  “It means there’s only one thing in the entire Universe that can kill you.”

  “Which is even worse.” The Toe wiggles up and down, nodding. “There’s no way to know what that one thing is. Now we have to fear everything.”

  “No. We fear nothing.”

  “If you really fear nothing, then what are you doing here?”

  “I’m not hiding, that’s for sure. My problem is that I like to be that one final thing in people’s lives.”

  And if I were forced to stay here, the question is, which one of these men would I become?

  Would my fear overwhelm me? Or my hatred?

  Which is worse, I never want to find out.

  The next time I open my eyes, I’m in the forest, sleepwalking with the customary backpack and ooze-gushing tubes. Someone in the mental hospital must have gotten me out during the night. Someone Garden.

  Before long, I’m heading towards a man dressed in white. Soon, I recognize his face. He’s the pirate who brought me and Odin to Blackbeard. “Matt?”

  “What did you just call me?” he says.

  The change comes over me, and I’m awake again. Blackbeard must have released control.

  “I said Matt,” I say. “Isn’t that your name?”

  “Matek,” he says. “Come on.”

  “Did Blackbeard send you?”

  “No, I just happened to be standing here by the river.” He waves his gun at me, and heads across the water.

  I follow.

  “Thank you for doing this,” I say.

  “It was an order,” he says. “This is a shit job. I should kill you now and tell Blackbeard some Tics got you.”

  “You could, but Blackbeard would probably blame you for Noh’s death.”

  “Noh? Who said anything about her?”

  “I’m here to save her. That’s why Blackbeard’s helping me.”

  “Oh.” He slows down so that we’re walking side by side. “You’re really with the Garden, huh?”

  “I suppose so.”

  He sighs. “What I wouldn’t give to get in there. I guess my dick, but other than that, I’d give anything.”

  “What’s so special about the Garden?”

  “I don’t know the details, but the way Blackbeard talks about it. It’s important.”

  “And what you’re doing for Blackbeard, it’s not?”

  “Don’t get me wrong. We’re doing good work. I get to kill some Tics. At least watch them suffer. I’m a lot better off than I was with those fucking priests, that’s for sure. Always preaching at me about God. I should’ve gutted one of them while I had the chance. Teach them to keep their opinions to their fucking selves. I’m not religious.” He pauses. “They were attacked not too long ago. The priests. You probably heard about it. That’s where Weis’ girl got blasted.”

  “I was there.”

  He glances over. “Seriously?”

  “Yeah.”

  He grips the weapon hanging at his side. “Really, the priests got what they deserved working for those Agency Tics, but what I wouldn’t give to blast away that Black Tide asshole who ordered the attack. Weis’d probably give his dick for the chance to take him out, seeing as he’s the one responsible for what happened to Amina.”

  “What’s stopping him?”

  “From what?”

  “From going after the Black Tide asshole.”

  “Are you sure you’re with the Garden, cause that’s a stupid question.”

  I don�
�t respond.

  So he says, “It’s suicide. I don’t think Weis is ready to die yet.”

  In a while, we’re out of the forest, in the part of the desert where Blackbeard dropped us off in his copter.

  “Well, this is where the boss told me to split,” he says. “You know the way to the Garden from here, right?”

  “Yeah,” I say. “Thanks for doing this.”

  “It was an order.”

  “Thank Blackbeard for me. He could’ve used the device to bring me here, but he didn’t. I appreciate it.”

  “I don’t know what device you’re talking about, but I’ll tell him. Good luck saving the girl.” He waves goodbye with a swing of his gun and heads back toward the trees.

  The security door doesn’t make a sound when I kick it. But I don’t need to knock. There’re probably some sensors and at least a camera fixed on me.

  “Mr. Johnson,” Noh says through a speaker I can’t see. “What are you doing here?”

  “I heard about the execution,” I say.

  “What reason could Jack possible have to inform you?”

  “He didn’t. He denied the truth about everything. Why?”

  She sighs in a harsh crackle. “Even when faced with adversity, those with the Garden must be dedicated to the Meek reality. In other words, we need to know that you’re not going to retract yourself from the truth even when you feel alone.”

  “Fine. Are you going to let me in or not?”

  Silence, then the door pops open.

  I descend into the catacombs, and Noh meets me by a pillar in the garden chamber, where Amina’s clay head looks down on us.

  “Who wants to kill you?” I say. “If you know about it, what are you still doing here? Why aren’t you hiding somewhere they can’t find you?”

  “I appreciate what you’re doing here, Mr. Johnson, however—”

  “Call me Bernard.”

  “Bernard. However, I fear you’ve returned under false pretenses.”

  “You’re not being executed?”

  “If all goes well, yes, I am. What you fail to understand is that this execution is part of a Garden operation.”

  It’s worse than I expected. “You’re going to execute yourself?”